Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Dears, Darlings, and Loves:

You are all awesome. Just thought you should know. I know those of you
that I've talked to lately, and some of you that I haven't talked to
lately have been concerned about me. Rightfully so, I kinda had a
breakdown. And then another one haha. This past Monday and Tuesday
were probably the absolute worst days that I have had in country. The
whole situation has been very thought provoking, and
epiphany-inducing. I don't really wanna talk (write) about the
situation, because it is depressing, you probably won't understand,
and I've pseudo-moved on. But, I will give you a run down of why I'm
better now. I realized that even on the worst day of my life in
country, if my options were leaving, or staying, it was no question. I
am not ready to leave. Maybe it is the fact that I am an
anal-retentive OCD control freak who couldn't bear to mess up my
ten-year plan, maybe it is because I'm too stubborn to quit, or maybe
it is because I'm stronger than I thought I was… either way, not being
a volunteer is not even something that I wanted to contemplate. So,
(with a lot of help) I figured out that if I can't change the
situation, but I also can't deal with the situation, I guess the only
thing left to change is me, or the way I attempt to deal with the
situation. Recognizing that I'd rather be miserable for another year
than leave Kyrgyzstan made me understand that I can cope, and I'm in
the process of figuring out how. I'm sure I'm not out of the woods
just yet. I'll probably have a few more minor breakdowns before
equilibrium can be maintained, but I'm on an upward slope. As much as
I hate to use clichés, sometimes they are true. When you hit rock
bottom, there really is no where else to go but up. The going back up
part has been good. A combination of things have worked together to
improve my mood. I just got back to my village and instead of feeling
claustrophobic, I am at peace. It is refreshing. The weather has
finally gotten warmer, my girls club just started a big project, I
spent the weekend in the city, and it was so much fun. A recap: Friday
night we went out for pizza (there were about 15 of us, including the
visiting volunteers) and then we went dancing. It was a lot of low-key
fun. Volunteers sometimes tend to get stupid and reckless when we are
in big groups, but this weekend wasn't like that. I think everyone
just needed a get-together to blow off some steam. Pizza and dancing
are a really good remedy. Saturday, we went to the beach at the lake.
It was too cold for swimming, but a picnic, games, and jam sessions
passing the guitar around were great. (good grief, could we have
gotten more stereotypical PC/hippie? Haha) Being outside and warm was
so therapeutic. I got started on my farmers' tan, but managed not to
get too sunburned. Saturday night I hung out with Holo and watched
movies. This morning we had a brunch with everyone for Katie's
birthday before a lot of people headed back. I made my famous cinnamon
rolls, and we had eggs and home fries (the saleslady looked at me like
I was crazy when I asked for 40 eggs and 2kilos of potatoes), and
lemon poppy seed bread. Then I went meandering walk and had a picnic
in the park with Holo for a few hours before heading back. Good food
and good company and good weather do wonderful things for a person.
Also, I had several long emails (I'm working on responses- you know
who you are) and I dunno, I guess I finally feel good again. I'm not
naïve enough to think that the feeling will last indefinitely, but
when I hold on to feelings like this, it makes the dark ones not so
bad.

Miss you
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Notes to self:

1. Find your glasses BEFORE you take out your contacts.
2. Telling yourself that the white chunks in your potato manti are onions and not fat does not magically turn them into onions and will not allow you repress your gag reflex.
3. You should’ve learned after Jordan’s wedding that volunteering to do any more than two heads of hair is a bad idea. Six 9th graders later- learn the lesson!
4. No matter how much you wish it to not be so, April in Kyrgyzstan is still going to be cold.
5. Mud is as slippery as ice, only when you fall on ice, you don’t have to change clothes.


Random Question
1. Why is it that when I lose weight, it always comes from the boobs first? Totally not fair.
2. Why is it that foods I didn’t really even like that much in America make me drool here just because I can’t have it? For example: caesar salad dressing.
3. What was I thinking letting my laundry pile up this far?
4. Why are farm animals so dumb?
5. Why do people assume I’m anything but American? English, Turkish, Russian, German, French, and Finnish have all been guessed.


About Prom:
Prom was great! One of my ninth graders told me it was the best night of her life haha. It was also her birthday, so I guess that is a good way to celebrate!
Teenagers are the same here as they are in America. The good things and the bad. I don’t really want to go into detail, just think back and remember your own prom, and the behavior of teenagers.
“The Way I Are” was an irritating song BEFORE I became an English teacher and before I heard it four times in one night.


That concludes the randomness of my thoughts for today.
Miss you
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess

My Room

I have gotten a few inquiries about my room over the past few months, and I’m bored, so I thought I’d take a few minutes and describe it. I could just take a picture, but I decided to go for the thousand word option instead. Haha

Right now, I’m sitting in my bed, which is covered with pink flowery sheets, and a pink flowery blanket (I didn’t pick it out), my crocheted blanket, my snuggie, and Mr. Bear. At the foot of my bed on the floor are my water distiller, and my shoes. My bed faces the door, on which I have a bunch of pictures. To the left of the door is my L-shaped desk. Behind the desk is my only plug. Above the desk, on the wall, is every single card I’ve gotten in country. All my visitors love it. The next wall has my window, and a bunch of quotes. In the next corner is my wardrobe. Taped to the wardrobe are my Russian numbers, and hard Kyrgyz grammar reminders. Then I have my mirror/vanity/night stand right beside my bed. That makes the whole circle. Books are lined up on my desk, and under my vanity. My carpet is red. Other things in my room: my guitar, my rice cooker, my sleeping bag, my crochet bag, my space heater, and my bucket. On my walls, in addition to pictures, my map of Kyrgyzstan, cards, and language reminders, are quotes. They kinda make up my wallpaper and help to break up the monotony of sea-foam blue walls, they are all really cool quotes. Some are from a calendar Mama gave me, and others are just ones that I’ve found and like. They help to keep me upbeat when I get down, so I thought I’d share. If you don’t wanna read them, this would be the part where you can skip to the end.

You can have anything you want, if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, if you hold that desire with singleness of purpose.
-Abraham Lincoln

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.
-T.S. Elliot

One cannot consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
-Helen Keller

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage- Anais Nin

Obstacles are those frightening things that become visible when we take our eyes off our goals .
–Henry Ford

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. –Christian Morgenstern

Sit as little as possible. Give no credence to any thought that was not born outdoors while moving freely. –Friedrich Nietzsche

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake-Victor Hugo

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-Theodore Roosevelt

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. –The Dalai Lama

Patience is the companion of wisdom- Saint Augustine

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. –Allan K. Chalmers

You are not in charge of the universe. You are in charge of yourself. Arnold Bennett

Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated; you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps. –Lloyd George

One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.- Sidney Howard

Make the most of yourself for that is all there is to you. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home is where there’s one to love us. – Charles Swain

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. – Jane Howard

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. - e.e. cummings

Don’t bother just to be better than your competitors or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
-William Faulkner

So much of growing up is an unbearable waiting. A constant longing for another time. Another season. – Sonia Sanchez

Love many things for therein lies the true strength and whosoever loves much anc and accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done. – Vincent van Gogh

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. Langston Hughes

Keep true to the dreams of thy youth. – Friedrich von Schiller

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. – Psalms 99:11

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. – Helen Keller

For I know the plans I have for you declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your hearth. – Jeremiah 29:11-13

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be, for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition, and not upon our circumstances. – Martha Washington

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love. – Goethe

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. – James K. Barrie

Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it. Success is shy- it won’t come out while you’re watching. – Tennessee Williams

How poor are they who have not patience. What wound did heal but by degrees. – Williams Shakespeare

Commit to the lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3.

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want. – Ben Stein

Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed. – Corita Kent

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach because you do not just live in a world; but a world lives in you. Frederick Buedner.

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice and the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:4-9

If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined, and gifted, there is practically nothing she can’t do. – Helen Lawrenson

In a full heart, there is room for everything, and in an empty heart, there is room for nothing. – Antonio Porchia

Life the life you have imagined. – Thoreau

An optimist is the human personification of spring. – Susan J. Bissonette.

Blessed is he who has regard for the weak, the lord delivers him in times of trouble. – Psalms 41:1

Disappointment, when it involves neither shame nor loss, is as good as success, for it supplies as many images to the mind and as many topics to the tongue. – Samuel Johnson

I also have all of Proverbs 31 written out, but it is really long, so if you don’t know it, I recommend you look it up.

That’s all. So, now you know what my room is like here.
Haha. Yeah, I’m bored. Deal with it.

Miss you tons,
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My last blog was kinda odd, so: a post-facto-preface to it.

First of all, I want to apologize to anyone I've talked to in the past
few days because I know I must have sounded really bitter, jaded,
depressed, and angry. Most likely because I was bitter, jaded,
depressed, and angry. Haha. I'm feeling a bit better today, and since
I've been done with all my work stuff since noon, already went for a
jog and cleaned my room, I thought I would write a blog while I drink
my coffee and eat my rice. I don't know why I'm feeling better today.
Maybe it was the sixth crying fit, maybe it was getting more than
three hours of sleep (I was really bad and doubled my sleeping pill,
but I finally feel rested.), maybe my brain just maxed out its bad day
quota… who knows? Either way, the last week in Kyrgyzstan has been
rough for everyone. From the PCV perspective, the options have been a)
be isolated, lonely, and stressed with no news or b) be surrounded
with other people, have no alone time, and stressed with no news. Both
are equally bad. And the poor PC staff has had so much to deal with.
They have to take what little news we have gotten, try to make
decisions, and keep all 150+ volunteers from going completely insane.
I think they've been doing a great job. I think our safety and
security coordinator literally worked herself sick, and the medical
office has been working super hard, too, trying to keep morale up and
keeping us all up to date. Kudos to them. I started cracking up, and
maybe actually cracked, but I've been putting the pieces back
together. I took a medical approved "mental health day" and went to
the city because I'd been feeling so isolated while we were on stand
fast. It was great to talk to the other volunteers in person and
reassure myself that I wasn't going absolutely nutso. I've been
alternating between waterworks and being a zombie. (not the
"eat-your-face-horror-movie-zombie," the emotionally detached zombie.
haha) We went out for pizza and then Holo and I walked to get stuff to
make chocolate milk (comfort food). On the way back, I stepped in a
puddle. This sparked a half-hour long crying fit. Does that sound
like a mentally stable person? Haha. No. I internalized all my stress
from the past few months, and the uncertainty of the past week was
just my limit, so I blocked out the big stressors and cried over the
little stuff. Dr. Nazgul knew I was stressed as she's been calling to
keep me updated (and to check on me, I think) She asked me how I was
doing and I cried. Again. I think I've cried more in the past week
than I cried the entire year before coming here. I got back to my
village and talked to mama last night and bawled for half an hour.
Sheesh so many tears. But, today at least, I'm better. It seems like I
just wrote a blog about how I have to decide my mood. I swear, every
time I strengthen my resolve, it gets tested further. It really wears
on me. So, I've restrengthened my resolve and threw myself into school
stuff (like prom preparation) and have been trying to stay super busy
to stop myself from thinking too much. After talking to mama, I
realized that the things I usually do to stay busy aren't really
helpful right now. For example, I crochet, because it keeps my hands
busy and allows my mind to wander. My mind wandering is precisely what
I'm trying to avoid, so I've been devoting my energy to things that
keep my mind busier. And, since there are only so many pages of GRE
vocab definitions I can write before that too drives me crazy, I came
up with a brilliant idea to keep my mind occupied (taking my brain out
wasn't an option haha) The idea came to me while I was jogging and
listening to my ipod. I figured I would use my Ipod ESP and talk about
the past week using song lyrics. What? I know. Who thinks of stuff
like that? I think I've made enough allusions to my mental state of
late for you all to get that crazy people think of stuff like this.
So, that explains my last crazy blog.


Miss you tons
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess

My Ipod has ESP

13 April 2010

These are all from songs that have popped up on my I tunes shuffle
today. The song might not really relate, but one or two of the lyrics
just popped out of the song. If you can tell me which song all of the
lyrics come from, you'll get a gold star. Haha


So the last week, at first I was all like, "I don't think that I can
take another empty moment; I don't think that I could fake another
hollow smile,"(1) I was all depressed and the weather seemed to be
reflecting the mood of the country, so I was all "Grey skies, clouding
up the things we used to see with wide eyes, maybe everything was
meant to be this way, will it ever change? Or are we stuck here on our
own?"(2) I got super frustrated was a cross between "We can close the
curtains; pretended like they're no world outside"(3) and "I thought
about leaving but I couldn't even get out of bed. I'm hanging cuz I
couldn't get a ride out of town, now anyone who really wanted me to be
down, come 'round."(4) It was not a good week for my mood. It was
kinda of "tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself, where did it all go
wrong but the list goes on and on."(5)
Then the thought hit me that the world just goes on anyway, no matter
what you want, and I was very much "The storm maker says it ain't so
bad, the dream maker's gonna make you mad, the space man says
everybody look down, it's all in your mind."(6) and "You can't jump
the tracks, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass
glued to the table."(7) with a bit of "got a pebble in my hand, and I
toss it out into the middle of the Rio Grande, but the river keeps
running, don't even know that I'm around, I could throw in a million
more and not slow it down."(8) thrown in. I went for a bunch of jogs
and walks to clear my head and was "we wanna walk a while, we know
that every mile brings us closer home"(9), and "I guess my feet know
where they want me to go, walking down a country road."(10) and
"bye-bye high life, feels like the right time to say so long, keep on
going strong and I'll just keep on being gone"(11) then I talked to
people and crossed between "shut up, I'm wrong, I know and we can't
talk about it."(12) and "I want someone to know me, maybe tell me who
I am"(13) because I couldn't really talk about it and was super
stressed. Then, I talked my friends here who were all "If there is a
load you have to bear, that you can't carry, I'm right up the road,
I'll carry your load if you just call me."(14) Now I now know that I
have to just let things carry on and try not to stress about the
little things that I can't control and "come on now, now, enjoy the
humour of the situation."(15) when it is just the little stuff. The
big stuff isn't humorous at all, but I can't let the little stuff
build up. I also have to get back in the groove because "You never do
the things you want, if you don't go and get a job" (16) I'm not back
to 100% just yet, I'm more of "I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad, I've
got sunshine in a bag. I'm useless but not for long, the future is
coming on."(17) So, I'm preparing for my prom because "when the world
doesn't make no sense and you're feeling just a little too tense,
gotta loosen up those chains and dance."(18) and Saturday will be "the
night when I go to all the parties down my street, I wash my hair and
kid myself I look real smooth"(19)

Hope you enjoyed the perks of my being crazy.
Miss you
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess

Monday, April 12, 2010

What a Week!

I'm not really supposed to talk about what has been happening because
the PC has to stay unbiased. You all probably know just as much about
the situation here as I do because you get as much news as I did.
Truthfully, I don't know enough about what happened to make an
educated statement anyway. But, I can tell you what happened to me. I
went to school on Wednesday and right before my first class started, I
got a call from the PC telling me that there were riots in Talas and
that I should go home because we are on "standfast" and that I should
not leave my house until the Peace Corps called me back. So, I spent
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and part of Saturday stuck in my house.
Saturday they called and said that I could leave my house, but was
restricted to my village. Then, yesterday, we got the "all clear"
which means I can go back to work and life has returned to normal. I
think the experience of the volunteers in Kyrgyzstan kinda reflect the
experience of the country as a whole. Some of the volunteers were
"consolidated," which means they all got grouped together. Some got
taken out of their sites, to a "safe, undisclosed" location, and some
(like me) just got stuck in our respective villages with little news
for a few days. Some of the city volunteers saw some of the protests
and some would have had no idea that anything was going on if we
hadn't read about it. Like in my village, for example, it was super
quiet and business as usual. I was always safe and literally, nothing
happened in my town. Plus, our TV is Russian satellite, so the news
coming in, I didn't understand anyway. I did talk to my Apa about it.
She is not particularly loquacious, but me being stuck at home sparked
some conversation. She told me (I'm pretty sure this isn't violating
any making biased statement rules, more of stating the facts) anyways,
Apa told me that a lot of people had problems with the president
because he put his family members in positions of power. Then she told
me that for Kyrgyz people, if you get a position of power, you are
expected to help out your family. If you have money, or influence, you
have to help out your family. So, Apa explained that it is hard to
balance. I can sort of understand it. If you act according to cultural
norms, you are a "bad president." (not my opinion, I have no opinion,
this a stating of apa's words) but if you ignore the cultural norms,
you're a "bad person" according to Kyrgyz traditions, because it is
shameful to not help your family. So, there you go. The government
changes sometimes don't really affect the little villages at all;
whether it is changes in school rules, or a complete government
change. Life goes on. So, the past few days, I: made delicious
chocolate chip cookies, washed my hair, worked on my GRE prep- I
learned some big words. haha, practiced my guitar, read a few books,
took a banya, made brownies, drank way too much coffee (thanks mama)
did crossword puzzles, gave myself a manicure, watched some movies.
(the new star trek was sweet), and made lists. Yes, I made lists. It
was really scary for a while. Not knowing what was going to happen
with the rest of my PC service. I did realize that I am not quite
ready to come home for good yet. For one, it would totally throw off
my ten year plan haha. So, being my typical OCD self. I made ten year
plan C (I already have an A and a B haha) I made a list of stuff to
take back to American in July, and stuff in want to bring from
American. I edited my bucket list (I've been able to cross a few
things off here), I made an ABCs of my experience in Kyrgyzstan (this
is my favorite list of the last few days, so I'm gonna share)
A- anitbiotics
B- banyas
C- cows
D- dogs (like packs of wild, crazy dogs)
E- elocution
F- fat. (the cure all)
G- grade books
H- honey (fresh honey is SO much better)
I- insomnia
J- "jazgul" (my kyrgyz name, it means "spring flower)
K- knitting
L- the lake
M- mountains
N- nature
O- oddball (a.k.a. me haha)
P- pumpkin manti, pumpkin oromo, pumpkin samsa… mmmm, and peanut butter
Q- questions
R- recluse
S- school
T- tea, or tushucks
U- units (for my phone)
V- vest (I'm crocheting one and it is taking FOREVER)
W- wool
X- (I'm omitting this letter. Seriously, stupid letter.)
Y -yurts
Z- zoo park (the one here is really depressing, just animals in small cages)

Haha, I know. I am a total dork. Anyways. I'm gonna attempt to do
something productive since I haven't in a while.

Miss you
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess

Monday, April 5, 2010

Is it June yet?

I am beyond ready for a visit home. It has been a rough couple of
days. I did have a few realizations today, though. #1 I know that I
have matured and changed in a lot of ways. Some days it seems more
pronounced, and then there is today. I realized today that in some
ways I am exactly the same. Haha I had rough few days, so I gave
myself a manicure and bought two pairs of shoes. Typical Jess
Behavior. Shoe therapy hasn't changed I guess. Granted the shoes I
bought aren't shoes that I would have normally bought in America. (One
pair has rhinestones) But, they are both super cute, and I got a "wow"
from Aiculu. Haha
Realization #2: For me at least, being happy is a decision that I have
to make. I can be miserable or I can be happy. Even when life is not
all sunshine and roses, I know that I have control over my disposition
and mood. Living here has been a fantastic experience and I have to
remember it. The bad days are outnumbered by the good so I can't give
the bad days the control. I have had to force myself to remember that
sometimes bad things happen to good people. It is hard to fight the
pessimism and the desire to blame Kyrgyzstan when bad things happen
here, but it helps to remember that bad things happen everywhere and
my personal experience in Kyrgyzstan has been amazing and
overwhelmingly positive. I just have to focus on the good and make the
decision to be happy. For Example: A few days ago I got really
frustrated. We had guests coming and I was told I had to make sure my
room was clean so that our guests could "see how I live." I am not an
exhibit at a zoo or museum, in case you haven't noticed. At first it
never bothered me, but every single time we have guests, I'm expected
to play hostess/tour guide to my room. It is not a really big deal,
but just one of the little things that get really irritating after a
while. As a Peace Corps Volunteer, we're volunteers "24/7." And we
have to deal with "living in a fish bowl." I understand that
completely. I'm the foreigner and the extreme minority here, but I
guess I just felt that I shouldn't have to deal with all that nonsense
in my own home. So, I was dreading having guests and feeling kind of
resentful. Then, my host uncle made a joke that I should start
charging admission to see my room. It made me laugh because I guess he
knew how I felt about being on display, but the little joke was the
snap back into reality that I needed. I can be resentful and
irritated, or I can just go with the flow and see the humour of the
situation. I know that I will probably have the same realization
several more times in the next year but there you go. (Being honest,
this could just be that shoe shopping put me in a good mood. Haha)
Realization #3: I think I there is something wrong with me. I have a
really weird mind. Like ADD on crack with a side of crazy. An example:
I walked home from the intersection today because it was such a
beautiful day (bad idea that, carrying a month's worth of groceries
5km. I got blisters on my hand.) Anyways, as I was walking, I got
passed by a light blue dodge spirit. My thought process following that
moment: that looks like mama's old blue dodge spirit, which led to,
when we had that car; we lived in Louisburg, NC, which led to the
memory of Jordan backing Daddy's truck into the side of that house.
And then I laughed out loud, while walking down the road. This thought
chain took about .4 seconds. So I'm walking down the road cracking
myself up for no apparent, obvious reason. Does that sound like a
balanced person to you? Haha this happens all the time! I think this
is part of the reason that I have such a hard time keeping a straight
face and not smiling like we're told to do. I see something and it
reminds me of something completely random and unrelated and then I
smirk. I have a perpetual grin.

And now for something completely different: my random thought of the
past two days:
1. I think my Ipod has supernatural powers. It has ESP. I swear. I put
all 8G on shuffle and it played all songs that matched my mood today.
2. There is a reason that farm animals are farm animals.
3. Today I saw a chicken fight. A literal chicken fight.
4. Rice cakes and gummi bears = civilization.
5. I keep all my peanut butter jars and put rice and beans and stuff
in them so I don't have to have the bags. I am equally disgusted and
impressed by the amount of peanut butter I have consumed in one year
6. I now hate American TV. because it has turned into food porn.
Things that I never missed until I saw them on a TV. show or in a
movie. For example, I would do really really bad things for parmesan
cheese. Or an ICEE.. mmm


I think that is all for now.

Miss you
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess (who still has a shoe addiction)