My Dears, Darlings, and Loves:

You are all awesome. Just thought you should know. I know those of you
that I've talked to lately, and some of you that I haven't talked to
lately have been concerned about me. Rightfully so, I kinda had a
breakdown. And then another one haha. This past Monday and Tuesday
were probably the absolute worst days that I have had in country. The
whole situation has been very thought provoking, and
epiphany-inducing. I don't really wanna talk (write) about the
situation, because it is depressing, you probably won't understand,
and I've pseudo-moved on. But, I will give you a run down of why I'm
better now. I realized that even on the worst day of my life in
country, if my options were leaving, or staying, it was no question. I
am not ready to leave. Maybe it is the fact that I am an
anal-retentive OCD control freak who couldn't bear to mess up my
ten-year plan, maybe it is because I'm too stubborn to quit, or maybe
it is because I'm stronger than I thought I was… either way, not being
a volunteer is not even something that I wanted to contemplate. So,
(with a lot of help) I figured out that if I can't change the
situation, but I also can't deal with the situation, I guess the only
thing left to change is me, or the way I attempt to deal with the
situation. Recognizing that I'd rather be miserable for another year
than leave Kyrgyzstan made me understand that I can cope, and I'm in
the process of figuring out how. I'm sure I'm not out of the woods
just yet. I'll probably have a few more minor breakdowns before
equilibrium can be maintained, but I'm on an upward slope. As much as
I hate to use clichés, sometimes they are true. When you hit rock
bottom, there really is no where else to go but up. The going back up
part has been good. A combination of things have worked together to
improve my mood. I just got back to my village and instead of feeling
claustrophobic, I am at peace. It is refreshing. The weather has
finally gotten warmer, my girls club just started a big project, I
spent the weekend in the city, and it was so much fun. A recap: Friday
night we went out for pizza (there were about 15 of us, including the
visiting volunteers) and then we went dancing. It was a lot of low-key
fun. Volunteers sometimes tend to get stupid and reckless when we are
in big groups, but this weekend wasn't like that. I think everyone
just needed a get-together to blow off some steam. Pizza and dancing
are a really good remedy. Saturday, we went to the beach at the lake.
It was too cold for swimming, but a picnic, games, and jam sessions
passing the guitar around were great. (good grief, could we have
gotten more stereotypical PC/hippie? Haha) Being outside and warm was
so therapeutic. I got started on my farmers' tan, but managed not to
get too sunburned. Saturday night I hung out with Holo and watched
movies. This morning we had a brunch with everyone for Katie's
birthday before a lot of people headed back. I made my famous cinnamon
rolls, and we had eggs and home fries (the saleslady looked at me like
I was crazy when I asked for 40 eggs and 2kilos of potatoes), and
lemon poppy seed bread. Then I went meandering walk and had a picnic
in the park with Holo for a few hours before heading back. Good food
and good company and good weather do wonderful things for a person.
Also, I had several long emails (I'm working on responses- you know
who you are) and I dunno, I guess I finally feel good again. I'm not
naïve enough to think that the feeling will last indefinitely, but
when I hold on to feelings like this, it makes the dark ones not so
bad.

Miss you
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess