few days because I know I must have sounded really bitter, jaded,
depressed, and angry. Most likely because I was bitter, jaded,
depressed, and angry. Haha. I'm feeling a bit better today, and since
I've been done with all my work stuff since noon, already went for a
jog and cleaned my room, I thought I would write a blog while I drink
my coffee and eat my rice. I don't know why I'm feeling better today.
Maybe it was the sixth crying fit, maybe it was getting more than
three hours of sleep (I was really bad and doubled my sleeping pill,
but I finally feel rested.), maybe my brain just maxed out its bad day
quota… who knows? Either way, the last week in Kyrgyzstan has been
rough for everyone. From the PCV perspective, the options have been a)
be isolated, lonely, and stressed with no news or b) be surrounded
with other people, have no alone time, and stressed with no news. Both
are equally bad. And the poor PC staff has had so much to deal with.
They have to take what little news we have gotten, try to make
decisions, and keep all 150+ volunteers from going completely insane.
I think they've been doing a great job. I think our safety and
security coordinator literally worked herself sick, and the medical
office has been working super hard, too, trying to keep morale up and
keeping us all up to date. Kudos to them. I started cracking up, and
maybe actually cracked, but I've been putting the pieces back
together. I took a medical approved "mental health day" and went to
the city because I'd been feeling so isolated while we were on stand
fast. It was great to talk to the other volunteers in person and
reassure myself that I wasn't going absolutely nutso. I've been
alternating between waterworks and being a zombie. (not the
"eat-your-face-horror-movie-zombie," the emotionally detached zombie.
haha) We went out for pizza and then Holo and I walked to get stuff to
make chocolate milk (comfort food). On the way back, I stepped in a
puddle. This sparked a half-hour long crying fit. Does that sound
like a mentally stable person? Haha. No. I internalized all my stress
from the past few months, and the uncertainty of the past week was
just my limit, so I blocked out the big stressors and cried over the
little stuff. Dr. Nazgul knew I was stressed as she's been calling to
keep me updated (and to check on me, I think) She asked me how I was
doing and I cried. Again. I think I've cried more in the past week
than I cried the entire year before coming here. I got back to my
village and talked to mama last night and bawled for half an hour.
Sheesh so many tears. But, today at least, I'm better. It seems like I
just wrote a blog about how I have to decide my mood. I swear, every
time I strengthen my resolve, it gets tested further. It really wears
on me. So, I've restrengthened my resolve and threw myself into school
stuff (like prom preparation) and have been trying to stay super busy
to stop myself from thinking too much. After talking to mama, I
realized that the things I usually do to stay busy aren't really
helpful right now. For example, I crochet, because it keeps my hands
busy and allows my mind to wander. My mind wandering is precisely what
I'm trying to avoid, so I've been devoting my energy to things that
keep my mind busier. And, since there are only so many pages of GRE
vocab definitions I can write before that too drives me crazy, I came
up with a brilliant idea to keep my mind occupied (taking my brain out
wasn't an option haha) The idea came to me while I was jogging and
listening to my ipod. I figured I would use my Ipod ESP and talk about
the past week using song lyrics. What? I know. Who thinks of stuff
like that? I think I've made enough allusions to my mental state of
late for you all to get that crazy people think of stuff like this.
So, that explains my last crazy blog.
Miss you tons
Love from Kyrgyzstan,
Jess
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